So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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