Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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