You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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