his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
