You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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