When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
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