Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
