i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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