My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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