i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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