you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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