Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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