you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
