Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
