So drunk its hurt
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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