You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
