Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize