Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
