oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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