I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
