I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
