My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
