My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
