I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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