he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
