My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
