her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
