I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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