He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize