Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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