A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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