just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
