I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
