I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
