If that was your dad, he is hot
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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