I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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