I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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