Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
