Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
