Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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