just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
