I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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