ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize