her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
