When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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