well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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