Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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