i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
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