ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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