I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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