And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I got inside last night via doggy door
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
