I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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