the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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