You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
