Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
