The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
