All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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