I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
