Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
