I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
