When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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