Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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