I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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