just come out here and I will go home with you...
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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