Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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