Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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