last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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