Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
