Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
