no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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