I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize