My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
