My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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