90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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